“Just stop, just stop looking at me like that. You don’t know how it feels to have someone- to have you- look at me that way. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were doing it on purpose. But you probably would, wouldn’t you, if you could.”

Nina forces a sigh out her nose and leans over the bed. She wipes down the plastic leaves of some imitation of a plant that does not exist, but is plausible enough to picture in a rainforest or on a tropic isle. “You haven’t taken very good care of yourself since I last saw you. Probably on purpose, too. To try to teach me a lesson. Was that your plan? Well, it won’t work, Terrence, I don’t want to learn anything you’ve got to teach any longer. And I mean it. All those years we were married, all you ever did was try to teach me lessons I didn’t care to learn. ‘Nina!’” she barks as she walks around the bed to dust the nightstand. Her hands are gnarled and bony and reddening in the cold room. “’Didn’t you mother ever teach you to cook?’ And then you’d give me a new recipe. You always hated my cooking, so why make me bother? We could afford to eat out. ‘Nina! There is a proper way to clean the toilet!’ You think that down there, on my hands and knees with those cleaning fumes in my face I wasn’t doing the best I could because I knew that if I didn’t, you’d make me do it again? The cooking and the cleaning and us without any children, well, you sure taught me that I’d never be enough of a real woman for you. That was the only useful thing you ever taught me.”

The curtains flutter and her tiny shoulders give a shiver. She pulls the single sheet of Terrence’s bed up under his chin before grabbing her sweater from the headboard and awkwardly tugging it on. “Don’t pout, you know what the doctor said. Can’t have you getting too hot. All that mess inside of you will throw itself a party if you get too hot. Full up with bugs and viruses. But it is cold! Brrrr!”

She climbs into bed beside him.

“Here, now, I’ll warm you up, so no more complaining. Shhh, shhh. Everything will be alright. It isn’t like you won’t leave anything behind. You’ve got Matty. Claire will tell him all about you, I know it, and if she won’t I will. I’ll be Matty’s Auntie Nina and tell him all about his father, how will that be? Is Auntie a good code word for Daddy’s first wife?” Nina laughs, spewing it out like a hacking cough. “Don’t answer that. You know, for the record, I’m glad you had him. I’m not so glad you chose Claire to have him with, but I want you to know there aren’t any hard feelings. No real ones. No important ones, anyhow. If things were reversed, I mean, if you were the reason we couldn’t and I was just as fertile as they come, I would have done the same as you. That would probably have been the end right there, right there in the doctor’s office after the tests came in. But life’s funny like that, I guess.

“Stop it. I can’t- Do you need anything? Can I get you anything? No? Do you want me to get the doctor? He said he’ll give you whatever you want. Isn’t that nice of him? You aren’t hungry or in too much pain? I do wish you’d stop looking at me like that. Just one smile. I don’t even remember what you look like when you smile…”

The cold, white light makes her look too blotchy and human as she cries. She chokes as she tries to stop, one hand over her mouth.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, anything at all, do you know that? I want you to know, well, no hard feelings. Life isn’t perfect and I suppose there are already too many children in this world. Some of us just mother them from afar, that’s all. So I don’t blame you. I’ve never blamed you.” Curling around his side, arms wrapped around his prone, barely breathing chest, Nina closes her eyes. “But I’ve been thinking. Everyone is born and everyone dies. And I don’t know if every middle is different, but there’s no getting over being born and dying, unless you’re never born at all. I’ll never- I’ll never know what it feels like to give someone life, I’ve come to terms with that. It’s a little like dying; you just can’t let yourself be afraid of being alone anymore. You hear me, you don’t be afraid of being alone. I’m here with you and I’m not afraid. But living yourself without giving it to anyone else, well, it’s an awful lot of waiting around. My records, well, you know. They won’t let me adopt. No brothers or sisters. No husband. I’ve come to terms with all that. But no matter how I feel about it, women will keep on giving birth and not think enough of it, not nearly enough of it because they don’t see how blessed they are. And I don’t think I can take it, their faces staring down at their babies like its natural, like they’re entitled, like they’re so much more goddamn worthy than I am… I’ll- I don’t know what I’ll do.

“Then here you are, in the hospital, full up with bugs and who knows what else, because you were too stubborn and stupid to talk to a doctor when there was still time. Now it’s only a matter of time. I keep sending the doctor away, on account of his trying to pump you full with drugs, too, to make everything easier on you. If you keep giving me that look, I might not turn him away next time. But I know you don’t want to go easily, especially if you’re being kicked out. That was always your way, wasn’t it? Kicking and screaming as they tossed you out the backdoor.

“Well, those doctors out there aren’t going to let you put up a fight like you want to. But I will. This is something we’re going to share, if we can’t share anything else. Claire, she got your life. You still need to pay your due with me.”

Nina’s eyes open, bottle green, as she laces her fingers around Terrence’s. They are clammy and lifeless, feeling more like carrot sticks than human flesh. “Just shake your head if you don’t want me to. I’ll understand, even though this will probably be the only chance I’ll ever get to do this. You’ll be the only one, Terre, I promise. And only think what it would mean to me. Oh, and think how much you’d hate the thought of it. I’d always be on top, I’d be the one teaching you a new lesson, and think how you might be able to fight and leave this world in just your style if I make you mad enough. Please. Think about it, for my sake? I know how you hate thinking about things for my sake. I’ll give you a few minutes to decide. I’ll use the pillow. Or whatever you want, so long as it doesn’t leave too much of a mess. You’re dying, anyway, Terre, there’s no sense in letting you go to waste. There‘s nothing wrong with it.

“Are you ready now? Have you made your decision? Would you like me to say a prayer? No, no, I don’t think you’d want that. Just keep thinking of me as I do it, so it’ll mean more. Like a baby opening its eyes on its mother for the first time, just keep staring at me until you can’t keep your eyes open for another second. I don’t mind your look anymore. Only keep looking at me.”